As we come into “the most wonderful time of the year”, there are some standard themes we hear about year after year; gratitude, traditions, and joy are three that come to my mind. Throughout this season, I want to dive a little deeper into each of these, how they have affected me, how I practice them, and how I struggle with them. And, because this wonderful time of year is also the busiest time of year for many, I’ll keep my thoughts like I like my cookies – short(bread) and sweet!
Gratitude
For years, I heard about the importance of practicing gratitude. And while it sounded lovely, the people I heard speak the most about it (on blogs and podcasts) had overcome some major life challenge – they had survived cancer, they had struggled with addictions, they had a great awakening. My life has had less traumas and, honestly, has been full of a lot of unearned privileges. So, while this idea sounded lovely, it also didn’t sound like it was for me. And yes, I realize this doesn’t paint me in the best light. It took some time to realize that I was confusing gratitude with contentment. I was very content with life, I knew I was grateful for my health, my family and friends, and to have a warm home. I didn’t need a practice to remind me of this. If something extra special happened, I was grateful for that as well. Several years ago, I finally decided to just give it a shot. It was almost an add-on as I thought about the goals I wanted to work towards in the coming year.
I started the year writing three things I was grateful for every night. I would do it after a long day and, while I did put some thought into it, I didn’t put my heart into it. My nightly list was pretty standard – family, friends, health, home, something obvious from that day. A few weeks in, a friend and I were discussing it, and she said to give it time and awareness. By looking for things you would write about that night, you would become more grateful throughout the day, not just when writing about it. My half-hearted practice didn’t seem to be changing me until a few days later when a cardinal sat right by me and I heard myself say, “wow, I’m grateful to experience this little piece of beauty.” In that moment I realized that in my contentment, I had become unaffected by the world around me. I was very grateful for the life that I had, but I wasn’t looking beyond that life, I wasn’t being present in the quiet moments, I wasn’t challenging myself, and, in turn, I wasn’t challenging my part of the world.
There have been many, many, many studies (and so many more!) on the beneficial effects of gratitude – how it impacts your health, your relationships, your outlook on life – all of which are amazing. But what I found was how much my gratitude practice changed my relationship with myself. How it pushed me to be less content, to seek out new things, to be more present and aware and to really, truly, be grateful for the big (family, friends, health, and a warm home) and small (sunrise while walking the dog, children laughing at the park, a good book) things I experience every day. Our world has a lot (A LOT) of struggles and ugliness, and I was using my contentment to guard myself from being consumed by these struggles (which is a statement full of privilege). At the same time, my contentment was blinding me to the beauty and the light that is there, every day, if you look for it. By seeking out new ways of seeing and being, all in the name of gratitude, I challenged myself to do and be more, to engage more and to live more fully.
A few things I’ve tried over the years to improve my practice that may – or may not – work for you:
- Timing: I completely understand that it makes sense to write what you are grateful for at the end of the day, when you can look back on your day and see all that was good and amazing about it. In reality, I’m exhausted at the end of my day, and I just want to crash. As a morning person, I find I can put more effort into my practice in the mornings. I have a notebook just for gratitude, I think about my previous day, and I write 3-5 sentences about what I am grateful for, and I start my day. I know some folks do gratitude at night and in the mornings – you can’t get too much gratitude!
- Get specific: Every year, during dinners in the month of November, my family writes what we are thankful for on a construction paper turkey “feather” and tape it to a construction paper turkey. Pintrest it is not, but we’ve don’t it for probably 10 years now and it’s one of my favorite traditions. My son (and sometimes my husband and I) often default to “easy gratitudes” – tacos and pizza being good examples. Instead of saying “think harder”, I’ve started to get curious – what about pizza are you thankful for? At the end of the day, you really may be thankful for the pizza (which is completely understandable!), but it leads to a deeper conversation about our values and interests. You might be thankful for pizza because you don’t usually eat pizza in the middle of the week and it’s fun to change things up. If you’re grateful for the weather, what about the weather – the sun, the breeze, the colors in the trees? Find what you are grateful for, then go one step deeper.
- When in doubt – Post-it Note it: as I say to my clients, if you are worried you’re going to forget, plaster your space with Post-it Notes! If this type of work is completely new to you and you need a cue to get started, put reminder notes in obvious places – your bathroom mirror, your coffee pot, your alarm clock, your laptop – see what makes the most sense to you and your life. Adjust as you grow in your practice.
And of course, remember that practice makes progress – there’s no right way to do this and the understanding and effects won’t be instantaneous. Give yourself grace and patience, find your rhythm and your gratitude voice. What works for you? Progress happens in small ways, but it is happening.
