As we come into “the most wonderful time of the year”, there are some standard themes we hear about year after year; gratitude, traditions, and joy are three that come to my mind. Throughout this season, I want to dive a little deeper into each of these, how they have affected me, how I practice them, and how I struggle with them. And, because this wonderful time of year is also the busiest time of year for many, I’ll keep my thoughts like I like my cookies – short(bread) and sweet!
Traditions
Tradition! I can’t hear the word without hearing Tevye belting it out in Fiddler on the Roof. And, just as the song indicates, we have so many traditions, we might not even realize what is a tradition. Also, as the song indicates, some traditions hold us together, and some traditions hold us back. However you spend this season, chances are good there are many traditions involved.
Growing up, my family had a few traditions throughout the year, but most of them were around specific holidays. As I started my own family, I wanted traditions that were special to just our family. I deep dived into daily, weekly, and seasonal traditions and, in the end, became something of a traditions junkie. Movie-Pizza Fridays, Summer Bucket Lists including special places we had to visit every summer, Back to School Breakfasts, Report Card Milkshakes, November Gratitude Turkey, and a million little traditions leading up to Christmas (just to name a few). As my family grew older, many of these traditions I had worked so hard to create were not fun for some and stressful for me. I finally began to learn that some traditions have seasons in your life and that without family investment, it’s a chore, not a tradition.
What traditions do you and your family participate in? There are the harmless traditions like Aunt Marge’s Jello mold that no one is going to eat, but everyone looks forward to seeing. But there are also traditions that ask us to show up and act a certain way. And there are traditions that stifle our growth and limit us. Who are these traditions for? Are they for us or for someone else? What is the purpose of the tradition – is it to create memories, to remember a piece of heritage, to spend time together? Is there a simpler way to get to that purpose?
A very simple story from my family is from our Advent tradition of watching A Year Without A Santa Clause, which we watched every Advent of my son’s life. The first few years were full of laughter, the next few years were full of fun mocking and the most recent few years were full of eye rolling – no one was enjoying themselves. I asked myself, who is this tradition for? It was for my family. What is the purpose of this tradition? To spend time together and laugh together. What’s another way to get to this purpose? Enter The Griswold’s Christmas Vacation – not a movie I had watched as a kid, but one that makes the three of us laugh till our sides ache. By not letting the tradition grow with my family, I was holding us back from new experiences. This is a very simplistic example, but hopefully it illustrates how traditions impact how our families engage with each other.
Of course, it’s a lot easier to change a tradition when it’s your tradition. What about when it’s someone else’s tradition that requires your participation? Ask yourself, who is this tradition for? What is the purpose of this tradition? What part do I have control over or what part can I ask to reasonably modify? How important is this tradition to those around me? How can I reframe this tradition to make it more enjoyable? Can a create a co-tradition to make it feel more like mine? An example of a co-tradition is how we spend the day after Christmas. I love Christmas at my parents’ house, I wouldn’t change it for anything, but it’s a busy day at the end of a busy season. Years ago, my little family decided to claim the day after Christmas for just us. We call it Dorvacs Day (if you know, you know) and we don’t let anything come between us and Dorvacs Day – my son even told a teacher once that it was his favorite holiday. This is a day when we can do the traditions that we want to do, eat the foods that we want to eat, play and relax the way we want to play and relax. It isn’t stressful, it’s precious.
This is not to say that we should get rid of traditions. Most often, the purpose of a tradition is to spend time together and possibly connect with a piece of our heritage. What’s the simplest most meaningful way to achieve that? It might be a Jello mold but it might also be really listening and engaging with one another. If we neglect the traditions, do we neglect the time together? Traditions can help ground us and ensure we have time together. Life is busy and we can so easily jump from season to season without stopping and enjoying the present. Traditions give us that set pause, just make sure the tradition is helping you grow in its purpose and not create discord, anxiety, or harm. When in doubt, the best tradition might just be a good conversation.
Inquiry: What’s a tradition causing you anxiety? How can you modify or drop it?
