I should write a newsletter article… The irony of this statement swirling around in my head over the last few weeks wasn’t lost on me. The word “should” had been coming up a lot with clients lately and I was happily poking and prodding about their “shoulds,” so it was only fitting that I sit down and dig into my “should.” “Should” often sounds like a positive – like it’s a motivator – but underneath, there can be a lot of weight, pressure, and guilt lying there. Last month I wrote about the “I can’ts” and in reflecting on those ideas, and hearing so many “I shoulds,” I’ve decided that our “I can’ts” and our “I shoulds” are first cousins – tied to the same source of inner stories that may or may not be serving us. “I should” is deeply rooted in obligation but not necessarily rooted in our values.
Similar to “I can’t because…” “I should” is followed by a “because”, only this because is often set by external pressures. I should go to law school, because my parents did. I should have a child by a certain age, because my friends are. I should have that second drink, because everyone else is. Telling ourselves ‘I should’ takes us out of what we truly want — I want, I need, I’m excited to — and replaces it with obligation, protocol, and pressure and a reminder of what we’re not currently doing. Spoiler alert, what we’re not doing when we are telling ourselves I should is honoring our inner voice and our values.
You’ve heard me preach about values in probably every newsletter article to date (5 newsletters to be exact!) but there’s a reason I keep coming back to values. Very simply, when you are living in alignment with your values, you are more present, more fulfilled, and more filled with joy. I’m not saying that life is sunshine and roses and every traffic light turns green the minute you pull up to an intersection (how nice would that be!) but you walk through life more confidently because you know that you are on the path you are meant to be on – even if the path is just for this moment. You show up differently for yourself and for those around you and you are calmer and more centered. But, as we’ve discussed, those internal voices often hold us back from living in alignment with our values and sometimes those voices are telling us why we “can’t” do something, and sometimes those voices are telling us why we “should” do something.
The Limitations of “Shoulds”
When working with clients, I find that their “shoulds” are almost as limiting as their “can’ts”. Many of my clients are figuring out what they want to do next in their career, and I hear a lot of; I should do something based on my college degree, I should do something that makes a lot of money, I should do something that is immediately changing the world in a positive way. When I ask, what makes you think you should, they are usually baffled and end with “because… because… because I should.” What’s beneath that should is obligation – sometimes to oneself (I put myself through college to study this thing that was so important to me, how can I betray myself by not finding a career in that field), and sometimes to others (my mom was a social worker, she always talked about how fulfilling her job was because she was directly impacting people’s lives, I should do something that impactful). These are both valid ideas – you did really love that field of study AND you’ve grown and changed and have found other things to be more interesting and important to you. It can be nice to see a direct impact from the work you do AND you really enjoy crunching numbers and working independently.
“Shoulds” limit us because they keep us on a pre-determined path. Just like our “I can’ts”, they keep us small and stifled, stuck in one place and one train of thought. When you hear yourself say, I should…ask yourself why, or, better yet, how does this idea reflect my personal values? While thinking about the ‘shoulds’ we tell ourselves, I enjoyed reading this article on ways the word should negatively affects us, and ways to counter it (i.e. – could or would have much more positive impacts on our attitude towards a task).
Commitments Versus Obligations
Sometimes shoulds are our ways of reminding ourselves of commitments we’ve made to ourselves. I regularly hear myself say, I should get up to do my morning practice. This is because my morning practice is directly in line with my values. By telling myself that I should exercise, I should read, I should eat the fat-free yogurt instead of the full-fat ice cream, I’m reminding myself of the commitments I have made to myself for improved physical, mental, and spiritual health. But even these seemingly healthy and valued rooted “shoulds” need to be checked from time to time.
I was reminded of this earlier this month when I took what should have been a 24 hour trip to Santa Fe, NM for a funeral. Unfortunately, the trip home turned into a sequel to the movie “Trains, Planes, and Automobiles” and I got home 24 hours after I was originally scheduled to depart from Santa Fe. The morning after switching around a bunch of plans, I was eating breakfast at yet another hotel thinking, “I should journal and write my gratitudes for the day.” This played on repeat in my head for about 5 minutes till I stopped and really listened to what my mind, body, and spirit needed. In that moment, what I really needed was rest and downtime – some mindless “being” time, versus mindful “doing” time. It had been an emotional week topped by a stressful travel situation. While most days, journaling and writing out some gratitudes are “shoulds”, this day was not one of those days.
“Shoulds”, by their very nature, can be things that we actually should do. I should take a walk around the block, I should finish this project so it doesn’t hang over my head this weekend, I should journal and write my gratitude because it helps me feel grounded. Unlike the obligation “shoulds”, these are based on commitments to ourselves to help us stay on track and aligned with our true self. But, just like my thought process over a disappointing hotel breakfast, our shoulds should (ha!) always take into consideration what we need to feel safe and whole in that moment. Nine times out of ten, my morning practice – even a modified version of it – helps me get to that place of wholeness. But that ninth out of tenth time, when it feels like a forced obligation, the wholeness and safety come from listening to myself.
Our commitments to ourselves are precious, but when they start to feel like obligations, we need to reflect on how our habits and structures are or are not serving us. Similarly, when we wander off the path that we know has generally served us well, how do we bring ourselves back to the path without feeling shame or anger with ourselves?
What we actually should be doing
At the end of the day, what it comes down to is listening to ourselves and reflecting back what we hear. That involves giving ourselves the opportunity to be fluid with our needs in any given situation. What worked for us in the past should – but might not – work for us in this situation. Whose life are you living – the one pressed upon you by the outside world telling you should be a certain way? The one born out of stories you’ve internalized and turned into necessity? Or, do you want to be living the life that gives you expansion, flow, creativity and joy? I’ll be over here journaling and writing gratitudes on that third one, because, today, that’s what I should be doing.
Journal Prompts
- What’s something you’ve been telling yourself you should do, but haven’t? What’s the biggest reason why?
- What’s a “should” you carry from childhood?
- What’s a “should” that once felt grounding, but now feels heavy or obligatory?
