I love to read. Mostly fiction (though I’m trying to get more into non-fiction; check out my 2024 non-fiction reading list on LinkedIn!). Mysteries, classics, historical fiction, YA—you name it, I enjoy it. But every summer, I indulge in a tall stack of romance books. They’re my go-to for road trips, beach days, camping, and everywhere in between. For a few months, I allow myself to enjoy the structured, uncomplicated, and pretty predictable worlds of romantic comedies. I get exactly what I sign up for: a will-they-or-won’t-they storyline, a fun friend subplot, standardized characters, and a happily ever after. What I don’t usually get is…inspiration.
Summer wouldn’t be complete without an Emily Henry book, and her latest, “Funny Story”, was a perfect “beach read” full of all my favorite tropes—and some unexpected inspiration. While the story is your basic summer romance, there’s dialogue between the main characters that I found to be perfect. Here’s a condensed version:
Ashleigh (friend): “You’re a we-girl.”
Daphne (protagonist): “Like a wee lass?”
Ashleigh: “A woman who’s more comfortable being a part of a whole, who never goes anywhere without a partner.”
Daphne: “I don’t want to just be part of we, I want to be an I.”
Ashleigh: “You’re already an I. It’s just about how much you embrace it.”
The last line floored me. There is so much to unpack in it! This conversation isn’t just about the dichotomy of “I” versus “we”; it’s fundamentally about identity. Who are we? What defines us? And most importantly, what aspects of our identity do we embrace?
For the purposes of this discussion, I’ll focus on what I call the “lower case i” identities—those internal identities that shape how we see ourselves and how we perceive others see us. This is distinct from “Capital I Identities” like gender, sexual orientation, and race. Instead, I’m talking about those more nuanced, personal facets of our identity.
Anytime I become fixated on a word or phrase, I like to ask myself a few questions to explore its deeper meaning:
1. What IS identity?
I define identity as the way we see ourselves and the way we perceive others see us. According to Webster, identity is “the distinguishing character or personality of an individual.”
2. What is NOT identity?
This is a tricky question because we want to have ownership over our identity and be proud of it. However, this can sometimes be at odds with the way we think others perceive us. This is where the concept of embracing our identity comes into play—more on that soon!
3. What is IMPORTANT about identity?
Identity is how we show up in the world, and what’s more important than that? It’s how we want to be seen.
Identity is our “I am” statement. Often, this statement is tied to roles we identify with, such as salesperson, scientist, teacher, mother, brother, or friend. However, we are more than just our roles. These are outer layer identities. When we begin to peel back the layers, how can we complete the “I am” statement?
I often help clients write a Personal Brand statement that can be used throughout a job search. This exercise consists of three seemingly simple questions:
1. What do you do?
2. What are you good at?
3. What’s important to you?
These questions, while simple on the surface, can be challenging to answer.
What Do I Do?
This question goes back to our roles, which can be very limiting. Even if we peel back one layer, beyond our roles, identities are usually summed up in one or two words (the fun one, the quiet one, the smart one, etc.). It’s important to remember that our identity is the sum of our parts. You can be the quiet one AND the smart one AND a million other things! We are not just one thing. We are multifaceted, and our identities are shaped by various experiences and roles we take on in life.
What Are You Good At?
What do you love to do? It could be at work, at home, or during special occasions – what truly sets your heart on fire? What are you known for? What do your coworkers appreciate about working with you? What do your friends enjoy most about you? If you excel at something at work, you likely possess a similar skill set in your personal life. Our skills and traits follow us no matter where we are or what role we’re in. Don’t underestimate the value of soft skills like empathy, listening, follow-up, problem-solving, and creativity. These abilities come so naturally to you that you might not even recognize them as skills, but they are, and they are integral to your identity. Hopefully, you find joy in doing what you’re good at. And it doesn’t have to be glamorous! For instance, I LOVE labeling things. It’s not glamorous, but it brings me joy, and it’s something I do at work, at home, with friends, and with family – in all areas of my life. I would definitely consider it part of my identity.
What’s Important To You?
Our passions and values are completely intertwined with our identity. What do you want to be known for, what legacy do you leave behind wherever you are? What are you passionate about? Where will you stake your flag? How do you try to leave your little part of the world a better place? What I love about the phrase in the book, “It’s just about how much you embrace it,” is the word embrace, it is such a loving and nurturing word. What’s possible when we embrace our passions, our skills, and our identity?
Our Stories
Our identities are also intricately tied to stories we’ve been told or stories we tell ourselves. I am often reminded that I’m not good at math, so, for as long as I can remember, one of my identities has been that of a non-math person. Over the last few years, though, I’ve started to realize that I might not actually be bad at math. I’m not Einstein or anything, but maybe the stories that I’d been told, which became the stories I told myself, didn’t tell the whole picture so I’ve been working on shedding my non-math person identity. It hasn’t been easy as it’s become a default with years and years of practice, but it’s important to me to not identify this way anymore.
And that’s the gift—we have the power to change these narratives. It’s YOUR brand, you get to decide what you do, what you are good at, and what matters to you. What do you want to be known for, and what are you currently known for? What’s the story you tell yourself? If it’s not a positive, nurturing, embracing story, how can you change it? Do you need new people around you, do you need to be in a new work environment, do you need to work on new habits or set different boundaries? To change your story, what do you need to let go of, and what do you need to build for your new narrative?
Embracing Your Identity
As you think of your story and identity, in what ways is it holding you back? To Ashleigh’s point, you already have an identity; it’s what you embrace. This summer, I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your own identity. Ask yourself those three simple yet profound questions: What do you do? What are you good at? What’s important to you? And remember, it’s not just about identifying these aspects of yourself; it’s about embracing them. Think about the ways you can fully own and celebrate your unique qualities and experiences. Embrace your passions, your quirks, and the skills that make you who you are. After all, it’s the full embrace of our identities that allows us to live authentically and joyfully.
As we get ready for a new season, let it be a time of reflection and growth. Allow yourself the space to explore and embrace every facet of your identity, both big and small. Whether you find inspiration in a summer romance novel or in the everyday activities that bring you joy, remember that each moment of self-discovery and acceptance brings you closer to your true self. To Ashleigh’s point, you already have an identity; it’s what you embrace!
