The word “connection” has been swirling around my world lately. It’s a word that I’ve been mulling over myself these past few months and a word that several clients have brought up in our sessions recently. Then, on a random Friday night, my husband and I turned on Roy Wood Jr.’s latest stand up show, Lonely Flowers, on Hulu (I highly recommend it), and that’s when I knew the universe wanted me to seriously contemplate the word connection. His opening lines were:
“We’ve lost connection. Everyone arguing, everyone protesting…We haven’t been right since Covid…we get mad if the phone rings.”
Define It
An exercise that one of my mentors taught me is to ask myself, “what does the word mean to me and what does the word not mean to me.” Connections require at least two parts – they can be people, energy, synergy, stories, anything really – but two parties are required. Connection includes, but is not limited to, listening, understanding, hearing, witnessing, and deep, deep relationship building. It is our response to humanity, I picture a thread connecting us all.
Other cultures have beautiful words for my simplistic definition of connection. In the Bantu culture of Africa, they have the word Ubuntu, which can be translated to “I am because we are.” At the end of a yoga class, the teacher will often say, “Namaste”, which is acknowledging the soul in another, with a simple bow of the head, the light in me bows to the light in you.
Then we flip it on its head and ask, what is “not connection”? It may seem obvious, but I’ll define “not connection” as ignoring people, turning away, and putting on blinders. Connection is expansive, while non-connection is limiting – which leads to not being open to growth and learning. Looking at these two “definitions”, I instantly know that I don’t want to be in a world void of, or even lacking in, connection.
During covid and lockdown times, I heard a lot about losing connection, but I didn’t really feel that way. In many ways, I thought people around me worked harder to make connections. My little family spent so much of our days in front of screens that we were extra intentional about how we spent our evenings together. Friends who I would regularly see in passing now intentionally set up Zoom happy hours or game nights. We were scared and unsure and forced instantly out of our comfort zones, and somehow that led us to intentionally create connections.
Intentionality is intertwined with connection. When you are intentional about really seeing people and communicating with them on a deeper level, connection is formed. When I went shopping during Covid (because online shopping confused the heck out of me), I was more intentional about thanking the folks working there. I wanted them to see and hear my appreciation, even from behind a mask. I still appreciate folks who work in the service industries, but am I as intentional about letting them know? Probably not.
Roy Wood Jr.’s comedy special reminded me of other ways we have lost connections – online shopping with curbside pick up, using QR codes at restaurants instead of speaking with waitstaff, self-check outs at grocery stores, even things that have been around for decades like ATM machines and toll passes instead of interacting with bank tellers and toll workers. We walk around with headphones on so we don’t hear the connectivity around us and we stare at small screens instead of people’s faces. I don’t mean to sound like an old fart, but we are losing connection every time we do any of these things (and I’m just as guilty!).
Self-connection
This is all connection at a larger level – connection with others, community, our shared humanity, but in conversations with my clients, we often focus on self-connection. As I did with the word connection, clients and I have defined self-connection – what is it, what is it not. In almost every conversation I’ve had, it comes down to alignment. When I am listening to myself and following my head, heart and gut, together, I am living in accordance with my values and I am aligned. What is not self-connection? Very simply, misalignment. Without a stable connection to ourselves, how can we connect with others?
I came to coaching through a previous career as a project manager for a family business consulting firm. I was deeply moved by seeing the consultants worked with siblings, spouses, parents and grown children, cousins and other extended family members to create more connected families that formed more connected enterprises…which lead to values based business, intentional philanthropy and onward. I called it the ripple effect that, at the time, I believed stemmed from consulting the family. But of course, before we even get to a family building connection, we have the individual. And that’s where I saw the beauty and power of coaching. When we as individuals are more connected to ourselves and our values, we can show up in authentic, open and supportive ways with our families, our jobs, our communities, and onward.
What does it take to be connected to ourselves? If being connected to others is about seeing their humanity, what do we need to see in ourselves? Truth. We need to see – and allow for – our personal truth. Who are we deep down at our core? What is truly important to us? What do we value – or, as I like to ask my clients, what do you stand for? Until we do this inner work of understanding ourselves, there’s not going to be authentic connections made with others. So where do we begin?
Alignment
Similar to building connections with others, we begin one conversation at a time. And we listen. We listen to ourselves and search for what we really want out of life. Listening takes time, patience, and quiet – so we need to give ourselves those things. This can be through journaling, meditating, sitting in stillness or walking in nature. The important part is that we give ourselves the permission to take the time to do these things. Life is busy, it’s hard to prioritize giving yourself space and time. But what’s the cost of not giving yourself those things? Misalignment, running around on autopilot, just doing life, untethered from what you truly want, and probably need, out of life. That feeling of just plowing ahead without a north star guiding your path. Connecting to yourself isn’t luxurious or selfish, it’s essential to happiness. And you, and your humanity, is worthy of happiness.
As I go forth with these thoughts, I want to continue to build connections with those around me and with myself. I want to smile and acknowledge the humanity in those I come into contact with, and I want to acknowledge the humanity in myself. That I am strong and fragile, perfectly imperfect, learning and will sometimes fail, am forever growing and shifting. That I have light inside of me and it is just as beautiful and worthy as the light inside you. My light bows to your light.
Action Steps Ideas
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- Journal prompt: What has my gut been telling me that I keep ignoring?
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- Who have you been meaning to connect with? Put time on your calendar to reach out to them and take that first step.
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- Sincerely thank someone in the service industry – your checkout person, your waitstaff, your garbage team, a sales clerk – let them know they are seen and appreciated
