I’m a habit person – I love to build habits and routines (for myself and with my clients), I love to rework them as they need to grow, I love to feel accomplished after implementing a new habit. Habit creation is my happy place…which means that breaking habits is not my happy place. I’ve been working on breaking some long-standing habits such as checking my phone and biting my nails, and it’s been tough, really, really tough.
Part of the reason it’s been so difficult is because both are relaxers for me. Mindless phone checking and nervous nail biting give me necessary – albeit unhealthy – comfort. Another reason it’s been tough is that these are short time sucks. I’m not talking about doom scrolling for hours, I’m talking about looking away from my email or work to check for something new on my phone, then going back to work. While it does give me a short reprieve, it’s too short a period to do something really healthy like take a walk around the block. But the biggest reason these have been difficult to break, is because they are engrained in me, part of me, almost part of my identity (Hi, I’m Charlotte, and I’m a nail biter).
In opposition to my last article about “just eat the frog”, that boils down to “do the thing in front of you”, I’m trying to stop and ask myself, “what if I don’t.” What if I don’t bite my nails…what if I don’t check my email…the short answer is that the world will go on spinning, and I’ll still be ok. But, by pausing to ask myself, “what if I don’t”, I’m also giving myself the time and space to shift my perspective. “What if I don’t” allows me to be silly and creative. What if I don’t bite my nails – maybe I’ll become a hand model like Joey on Friends wanted to be. What if I don’t check my phone – maybe I’ll have an email telling me I’ve won a million dollars when I do finally check-in. Neither of these ideas are super exciting to me (well, the million dollars would be nice), but the levity they bring me helps shift my mood and give me a little giggle – which is really the comfort that I need in that moment.
Similarly, when I’m working on bigger habits that I want to change, I can look to the future me and see what might happen if I simply…don’t. What if I don’t have that second serving of pasta – maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow than I would otherwise. What if I don’t allow this negative self-talk – maybe I’ll build more confidence and overcome that negative storyline. I take these images of my future self and decide, do I want to feel better than normal tomorrow? The choice is mine, and I don’t always make the right one, but reminding myself that not doing something is an option, gives me some needed perspective.
The comedian John Mulaney has a great bit about how infinitely easier it is to not do something. And, in many ways it is. It is easier to not get out of bed than it is to get up and exercise. It is easier to not cook dinner than it is to wait for takeout. It is easier to not go out with friends than it is to stay at home. But when the habit is really engrained in you, when it’s part of you, it actually isn’t easier to not do something. That’s what makes breaking habits difficult, you are unlearning yourself. And when you are trying, and working hard, and sometimes succeeding and sometimes falling back, it can feel like an uphill battle to change this one “little” thing. In these times it’s important to give yourself grace, because it is a lot harder than it may look to the outside world. Your habits are part of you, and all your parts are good, they just want different things for you.
What habits do you have that you’d like to improve or change? What’s important about your current results with these habits? What’s possible if you just…don’t?
Inquiry: How do you give yourself grace when you falter?
