I have been doing a lot of structured learning this year – I’ve already decided that next year needs to be, well, less structured learning. Luckily, everything I’ve been learning has been meaningful, enjoyable, and seemingly worth the time and resources. By the time this newsletter and article go out into the world, I will have hopefully completed a short certification on Mindfulness and Well-being, taught by Rice University professor Dr. Elizabeth Slater. I had been on the fence about taking this course at this time because I was feeling very “full,” but I also felt like devoting more time and understanding to the practice of mindfulness might be exactly what I needed at this time.
If you need a crash course in mindfulness, Dr. Slater defines it as, “paying attention, on purpose, to all elements of our experience, with an attitude of open acceptance, non-judgement, and compassion.” Prior to this course, I would have defined mindfulness as “paying attention, on purpose” – but it was the addition of “with an attitude of open acceptance, non-judgement, and compassion” that has both drawn me in and challenged me. I can pay attention, on purpose, to things with judgement all day long, but letting go of judgement – both good and bad – and just being in the experience, that’s where I’ve found the real work.
How the Striving Mind is Showing Up For Me
Dr. Slater often refers to the striving mind, which I was quick to dismiss. I don’t think of myself as a particularly striving person. I like to mark tasks off my lists and set goals, but, to me, striving is much more in the realm of overachieving and always doing 110%. I usually settle for a solid 85%. But I began to learn that the striving mind is EXACTLY what I was doing. I was going into each mindfulness exercise with expectations of coming out grounded or relaxed – and I quickly realized that I go into a lot of experiences with expectations. I expect to feel a certain way; I expect others to act a certain way or for me to respond a certain way; I expect a certain outcome. It’s not that I walk through life being disappointed, but I do regularly think, huh, that’s not what I was expecting from this situation. I really noticed this when I was enjoying a massage and facial on my birthday earlier this month and I kept thinking, “is this the best massage? I feel like I’ve had better.” Way to be in the moment… Luckily, I was able to hear this voice and respond with, “What if you are just here, in this moment?”
The other aspect of the striving mind that I have struggled with is not labeling the experience as positive or negative. At first, I was practicing some of the exercises and I would think, “isn’t this lovely, I can hear the birds chirping and I see how vibrant the grass is.” But that first part – about it being lovely – is being judgemental about the moment. It doesn’t matter if I’m judging the moment positively, I’m still judging it. And what happens when a moment isn’t lovely, will I be so quick to embrace it, if I’m already judging it as less than lovely? Letting go of the striving mind means letting go – period. It’s not about labeling the experience, judging the experience, or setting expectations of the experience, it’s about being in the experience. As simple as that sounds, it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve tried to do. It always amazes me when less is more complicated than more.
A mentor of mine often suggests people avoid the word “just” – I’m just listening, I’m just helping out, I’m just doing this class – it immediately belittles the act. I’ve thought about that a lot as I’ve found my real study of this course to be “just” being present. What makes this so difficult – this letting go and doing less? For myself, I think it’s the constant barrage of external noise that I begin to internalize and churn. It’s also those parts of me that are simultaneously cheering me on (way to go, you’re being mindful!) and holding me back (you think you can be mindful?). I feel like a movie director, I want to yell, “Quiet on set!!!” and have everyone – external and internal voices – quiet down to allow me to “just” be present. But since there’s no magic off switch, I practice…over and over and over again, to quiet the noises and allow myself to be, without judgement.
How the Striving Mind is Showing Up For My Clients
I’ve written before about my wariness around the word ‘should’. Whenever a client says they should do something, I interrupt and ask ‘who says so?’ But lately, as the world gets louder and louder, I’m also noticing the striving mind showing up in my clients who are searching for jobs. Don’t get me wrong, the market is difficult, finances are real, and the confidence we can get from our work (versus the confidence drain that the job search can be) are all very real. Both of these situations involve folks who are later in their careers, have time to find the job and are doing okay, all things considered.
Sara has worked in the same industry her whole life, she has enjoyed it and been successful, but she’s ready for a change. She came to our first meeting saying just that, I’d like to do something different. Due to Sara’s contacts and long career in her industry, many decent prospects fell in her lap. They were basically the exact same role she currently has, similar title and pay, but in a new setting. As we discussed these opportunities, I noticed Sara’s energy getting lower and lower until she finally said, I’m not really excited about either of these. When I gently reminded Sara that, in our first call, she had so much energy and enthusiasm around doing something new, she immediately lightened up and realized that she was getting in her own way from what she wanted because her striving mind wanted the shiny easy thing in front of her. No one could blame her, but it was a beautiful moment of self-awareness when she began to reconnect with the path that truly excited her.
Similarly, Sam was coming from a role that had been interesting and taught her a lot, but she wanted to find a new job more aligned with what she had done previous to her most recent role. After working on her branding and resume, she said, “this doesn’t really highlight the work I’ve been doing recently.” I stopped for a second worried that I had misinterpreted what we were doing together. I asked what about the work she most recently did was she excited to do again.
She answered honestly that she wasn’t excited about it, but she was seeing more job titles aligned with that work. I gently reminded her of her original timeline; no rush, wants to find the job instead of a job. Sam looked directly at me and said, “I’m panicking, I don’t need to panic – at least not yet.” Her striving mind had her believing that she needed to act with more urgency – even if it meant not being as excited or happy in the next role.
How do We Quiet the Striving Mind?
I suppose that’s the million-dollar question – and if I had the answer, I’d be out shouting it from the rooftops. Just as with all experiences in this journey of life, how you quiet your striving mind will differ from how I will, but I believe the common thread is that we, well, strive to quiet the striving mind. Below are a few short exercises I’ve used throughout the years to help me come back to the moment, if any work for you, I hope you’ll include them in your practice.
- Gently rub together the pads of two fingertips till you can feel the grooves in your fingerprints. Experience this sensation just as it is, for at least a full minute.
- With your feet firmly planted on the ground, intentionally raise and lower one toe at a time. Concentrate on each movement at a time, without judgement of how each toe movement is similar or different to the last.
- With your eyes closed, focus your attention on the sounds around you noticing the furthest sound, then gently coming closer and closer to yourself, until you focus on the sound of your breath.
Journal Prompts:
- Where does the striving mind show up for me?
- What is distracting me from going towards my goals?
- What noises – internal or external – would you like to focus on quieting?
