One of my Art History professors used to call her students Culture Vultures. We should go out into the world seeking out and “gobbling up” all the culture we can find – graffiti on the L, old manhole covers with ornate metal work, songs you hum along to on the radio. That last one is my inspiration for this Culture Vulture moment.
My husband loves the band The Avett Brothers. A few weeks ago, we made the last-minute decision to drive to Milwaukee and see them at Summerfest – and I’m so glad we did, on so many levels. It was fun to get out of our city and be in another, it was great family time (an added bonus as the summer before Freshman year of high school sped by), and it reminded me of a song lyric that had carried me through some rough months.
I’m the first to admit that I’m horrible at song lyrics. I love music but I can’t tell you what they are singing or the context of the song. I think all of that is part of the reason why this particular song lyric hit me so hard. I’ve been on a journey the last several years – some would call it a journey to find my why, some may call it a journey to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Whatever you call it, this journey has been full of ups and downs, has twisted and turned in unexpected ways, and has led me to finding greater fulfillment in my personal and professional life than I would have thought possible. Now, if that sounds like a lot, you’re not wrong – it has been a lot. But, if that sounds like you right now, please keep reading.
I have always wanted to “help people”. That’s pretty vague, and the pay isn’t always great, but it’s what has always been most important to me. It fills me up, it gives my life meaning, it makes working worth the time and energy I give to my work. And I have been incredibly lucky to spend my entire adult life working with mission-based companies who are, in a wide array of ways, helping people and making a difference in the world – no matter how small or how large that impact is. Whatever role I’ve held in the company, I’ve been able to see the through line to my contribution and the greater good. And it filled me up. But in recent years, even with that through line, I wanted my contribution to be more. More direct, more impactful, more ME.
And so, the next journey began, the journey to find my WHY. And while it felt like a journey beginning, I’m now seeing it was always a continuation. Most of this continuation has been “ups”, but, as life is wont to do, there have been some downs. During one particular “down”, I heard The Avett Brothers’ song “Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise” and the following lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d hummed along to the same song hundreds of times before – I’d probably even made up my own lyrics to this song – but suddenly I couldn’t stop hearing:
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
This particular “down” moment was full of imposter syndrome and that feeling of being stuck, paralyzed actually. I didn’t know which way to turn or what step to take next. Every step felt like it could be the right step, but it could be the wrong step. And EVERY step, felt like it needed 1,000 pre-steps, which was daunting and, again, paralyzing. And then I heard this song, and I understood for the first time, that not only did I have a dream but only I could break in and free it. Free it – me – from the paralyzing feeling of not knowing what to do next, and therefore not doing anything at all.
What does it mean to have a dream – a dream that you can feel but can’t really see – it’s squishy around the edges and not fully formed. It’s an idea or a hope, but not a plan. And, once it does start to form, what does it mean to free it? For myself, it meant less being and more doing. In the Co-Active Coaching world, we talk about the co (being) and active (doing). By nature, I’m a “doer” – I like to be active, I like to get things done, I like to see results. Because of this, I had spent a lot of time and energy working on the “being”; what does it mean to be on this journey of self-exploration, what are the emotions I’m feeling in these times of uncertainty, who do I want to be at the next step of this journey? All very important questions but I’d forgotten that it was also up to me to put those thoughts into actions. Only I could understand my own dream, only I could put my action plan together, only I could break in and free myself.
In times of transitions, it’s so hard to know what’s ahead. Uncertainty can be exhausting, truly. We can so easily become overwhelmed by the options – or the lack there of, we can become defeated when the first (or fifth!) try doesn’t work, and we can become frozen in inactivity while trying to think through everything so diligently. Making it more difficult is that not all of the twists and turns may be up to us – there are external parties causing some of them and we only have control over our part. But that’s just it, isn’t it? WE have control over OUR part.
In the “downs” over the past few years, I found myself waiting for someone to tell me what to do next, which way to turn. It was my dream, if someone told me which way to turn, it wouldn’t be my dream anymore. Like the song lyrics say, I needed to free my dream. For me, that meant taking lots of small steps – make a call, read an article, write down a plan, then scribble it out and write another. Turns out, I’m really good at breaking things down – it fits perfectly into my “doer” nature. Once I realized it was up to me to write the plan, I could start to break that plan down into bit size pieces, with deadlines and stages (and color coding!). I turned my dream into a project plan and finally knew that I was stepping in the right direction.
In my small group program, Eyes on the Stars and Feet on the Ground, that’s exactly what we do. Wherever you are on your journey, no matter how squishy the next adventure looks right now, we dive in together, with care and curiosity. What do you perceive as your road blocks? What are actual roadblocks and what is yourself getting in your own way? Get creative and give your goal a name, then break that goal down and give each stage a name. In each stage, who can assist you, what new habits do you need, what does success look like? Life changing dreams can feel like that caged bird, when you don’t have a plan and support to help you free it.
My dream, just like all our dreams, is still a work in progress. But the most important thing I’ve learned so far is that ownership of my dream, no matter what stage it is in, is most powerful. There is a dream – and I can see it – and I can see it, because I broke in and freed it.
What is a dream of yours and what is one small step you can take towards that dream? And then, what’s the next step?
Inquiry: Where do you find inspiration for your dreams? If you are unsure, may I suggest you start by looking at the everyday.
